The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan – Book Summary and Introduction
So I’ve been reading a book series called Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan, and I thought I’d write out a summary at how I interpreted the books as I continue along. Whether you agree or not…well I really don’t care.
Wheel of Time: The Eye of the World
The story starts off with a messed up Prologue that makes absolutely no sense because you don’t know what the fuck is going on. Apparently there’s a crazy man named Lews Therin, with super powers. With it he fucks up his entire circle of friends and family by killing them. Of course we don’t know why, except that he’s crazy. Then some dude appears, named Ishamael, and he heals Lews Therin of his magically induced madness. Mr. Therin finally comes to his senses after owning everyone and especially his house which had one thousand too many words to be described. However instead of thinking logically and reasonable, and beating the shit out of Ishamael with laser beams(yes this series has laser beams, the pewpew kind). Lews Therin goes all emo about beating the shit out of his wife while “under madness”, pfff like he’s the first husband to claim that. Anyways, because he was all emo and shit, he uses his super powers and implodes his gut and creates a giant mountain called Dragonmount
From crazy murdering super-powered mofos to suicidal implosions, now that’s a classy way to start off a fantasy series.
So finally we are introduced to a location in an area called Two-Rivers, after about……10 pages of describing a fucking farm called Emond’s Field and its super hardy inhabitants. Of course this time period happens to take place ummm……3000 years after that prologue…wtf? Way to jack up the story with crazies and implosions and then directing us to some overly descriptive scenes of a fucking farm! Is it really necessary to go into such great detail about the smell of bread?! Finally after what seems like 10 chapters later of overtly tiny details about a tree, shit finally happens! We are introduced to Rand Al’Thor, a young tall red-headed adolescent virgin teen who clearly has a constant hard-on for Egwene al’Vere, the hot daughter of an inn-keeper. Egwene plays the coy shy girl, but we are told she braided her hair, and in Emond’s Field, it means she ready to breed and become a pregger. Then there is mouthy Mat Cauthon, the sneaky asshole village shit-disturber who likes to piss people off. The next is Perrin Aybara, the over sized bear who is an apprentice blacksmith. He’s pretty boring, besides being constantly described as having big arms. So he has muscles, no need to constantly etch out every minute description of his guns. He’s a blacksmith in training, we get the picture. The last of the painfully dull farmers is Nynaeve al’Meara, a super bitchy village doctor who tends to smack people around, because…well..because she’s the doc. Apparently that gives her authority as a speaker in what is called “The Women’s Circle” aka Vagina Meet, which is equally balanced by the “Village Council” aka Penis Meet. Then there are the two outsider who happens to travel to this shitty outback village in the middle of nowhere for some unknown reason.
We are then introduced to Moiraine, and Lan. Moiraine is an Aes Sedai, basically a wizard who shoots fireballs and heals, but called Aes Sedai just for the hell of it. Then there’s Lan, who is a Warder, basically an Aes Sedai’s personal bitch that wields a sword and owns a cloak that blends to its surroundings, also he has an expressionless face that is constantly described in 50 different comparisions to stone. I guess that comes with being a killing machine for Moiraine.
So now we have all our primary characters, the heroes, the destined ones, the big cheese, whatever you call them, they are it. They are gonna save the fucking world over 12 novels plus a preql, of which the twelfth hasn’t been released. Really Robert Jordan? You just HAD to die before finishing off your life’s work? Now your wife is giving your notes for some hack writer to finish off the series. Shows you to die early.
Anyways, this summary ended up taking a lot more time and energy I am willing to put in at this moment. So I’ll continue it later.
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